How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
