he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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