false alarm. still invincible.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
