its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
