I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
