nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
