I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
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