she was so not down for the gang bang
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
