Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
