come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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