I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
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