Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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