I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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