Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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