So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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