just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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