i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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