You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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