she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
