i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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