i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
should my penis look like a turkey
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
