She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
