what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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