i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
