Got a toothbrush?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
