So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
