Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
