Kareoke will never be a sober sport
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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