i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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