Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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