happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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