My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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