Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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