I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
