I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
