i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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