I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
