My room smells like vodka and shame
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
