im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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