he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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