Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
