I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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