My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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