hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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