I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize