Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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