So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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