You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
