Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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