I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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