You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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