I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Dear god my vagina.
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