If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
