I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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