I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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