There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize