Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize