If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
please come you make the beer taste better
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Randomize
