He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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