My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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