last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
